When I was 13 I moved in with my dad and started going to a new school. I was different, so I was seen as strange and gravitated toward the other odd kids. Some of those friends ended up being the most painful friendships but most valuable lessons I’ve ever experienced, and some became my longest time friends with loyalty to boot. Through the experiences of that year living with my dad, I learned the most important lesson of my life.
Even though we walk through darkness sometimes, there will always be light to be found.
I went through the absolute darkest part of my life in that year. So much darkness that I tried to make it all end, many times. I failed every time even though in every logical way I should have succeeded. I finally began to understand there had to be a reason, a purpose. The only way I was still alive was that something much bigger and stronger was keeping me alive. In that darkest period of my life I found God for the first time.
I cried to him with my mouth, and high praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me! Psalm 66:17-20
I remember crying to God to help me “Lord, if you are really there, please help me.” I had no idea what was ahead I just knew I was hurting more than I had ever hurt before. But in that pain is where God found me, where He reached me, and where I started to trust and follow Him.
It took years to understand what it meant to know God, and even longer to understand what God wanted from me, but for years I was diligent and tried to find and live on His path for me. I strayed constantly but once He found me that first time I knew He was always there pulling me back into His light every time I strayed back into the darkness. 10 years after that most painful year is when God pulled me into a relationship with Him, and it grows stronger all the time.
God is faithful. He will hear you, and He will help you. Don’t be afraid to cry out to Him. When you take His hand it won’t be easy but He will be there every step of the way. He will carry you, hold you, help and encourage you, and most importantly He will love you no matter what. With much patience and a desire to seek Him you will find a deeper relationship with Him than you could have ever dreamed that will utterly change your whole existence in the best ways.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Even when life feels completely consumed by darkness, He is there. Don’t be afraid to call out to Him.